Tuesday, 8 March 2011

Arsenal Keeper Szczesny Replaced Mid Game Through Injury

Arsenal goal keeper, and officially world's most difficult name to spell, Wojciech Szczesny was substituted mid way through the first half of their crucial Champion's League game with Barcelona.

The keeper saved a shot on goal from the Spanish attack, and immediately looked to be in some considerable discomfort.

Waving to the sidelines, the Polish keeper indicated to medical staff that he had hurt his hand. Watching numerous playbacks, it was hard to determine exactly what had happened.

Tuesday, 1 February 2011

Royal Altercation At Palace Leaves William 'Furious' And Kate Middleton 'Extremely Upset'

Prince William is said to be 'furious' after his grandmother, Queen Elizabeth II, allegedly upset his wife-to-be, the commoner Kate Middleton.

The row took place in Buckingham Palace late one evening, sources say, and resulted in Miss Middleton storming out of the room and slamming a door.

The teary-eyed soon-to-be royal was said to be 'inconsolable', and wouldn't tell William what was said. Our source told us "she was weeping and Wills had his arms around her shoulder, but she just kept saying she didn't want to talk about it."

Our source went on "the Queen had been goading her all night, there were countless snide remarks about her background as they sat down for dinner."

"At one point I saw Her Majesty nod at Charles, it was obviously a prearranged instruction to him, to drop some gravy covered peas in to Kate's wine, while she had her head turned. I saw Philip dip his fingers in to his mashed potato, and as he walked behind Kate, pretending to get a glass of brandy from the side, he wiped it in her hair!"

Tuesday, 18 January 2011

Ricky Gervais Set Upon Backstage By Hollywood Elite At Golden Globes

With the question still burning as to what happened to Ricky Gervais, for the second half of the Golden Globe awards ceremony, an eyewitness has stepped forward to reveal a shocking revelation.

Marty Wondergrist, star spotter and 'hanger-on', was no where near the backstage area when he claims a huge throng of top Tinseltown icons ganged up on Gervais, and 'roughed him up'.

"I couldn't believe it, I saw several top line actors pushing Ricky, and then an actress who is famous for buying children from all over the world stepped up and kneed him in the chest," said Wondergrist.

"The scuffle escalated," he continued, "when Gervais' security tried to get to him, but Downey Jr and De Niro held them back, I was shocked."

Gervais is reported to have sustained several bruises and a punctured lung (not confirmed) in the fight.

Sunday, 16 January 2011

Restaurant Guide With G.G Finn: The Wedged Hat, Winchester.

The quest for fine food brought myself and Glenda to the beautiful surroundings of Hampshire.

On the short drive from our country pile to The Wedged Hat, Glenda felt the need to constantly change the radio settings that I had spent several hours perfecting. I was already annoyed by the time we turned in to the long gravelled drive.

The quaint pub was pleasing to the eye, a mixture of Edwardian charm and 80's Wimpey modernisation.

Upon entering the establishment, Glenda pointed out the mixture of modern art and Mediaeval faux ancestry, dotted about the building. I was aware of it, as I'd just stubbed my toe on a rather cumbersome suit of armour, propped in the porch.

Reeling from the searing pain shooting through my foot, we were greeted by Marta, the four foot tall Polish front of house manager, with a faint moustache.

She was very pleasant. Well myself and Glenda assumed she was pleasant, she constantly smiled at us as she waffled on in a mixture of her native language, and some hotch potch of broken faux-English that really made no sense.

Thursday, 23 December 2010

On-Line Retailer News: A Message From The Dark Side Of Christmas

Every year, around this time, the idiot public rush around like headless turkey's, buying trinkets and knick-knacks for their loved ones, in a vain attempt to prove how much love they have for one another.

This love, which is measured in monetary terms, and nothing else, is often left 'til the last moment.

I run a very successful online shop, even if I do say so myself. And I just did, so there!

The month of December is by far the busiest. I spend every waking day, and often well in to the night, dealing with sales. Picking, packing and invoicing. Over and over again, ad nauseum.

It is tiring, hard and even stressful at times. When you enter work, open up your emails and are faced with 162 emails to sift through, all containing orders, or questions about the product, it is a little daunting.

And to face that day in day out for a month solid, it's downright painful.

This year it's even harder. The Gods that are decided to blanket our fair land with snow. Making it impossible for everyone concerned. Transport is key in on line selling. No transport, no delivery, no sales.

Or so it should be. But still the sales roll in.

Sunday, 12 December 2010

Star Wars 3D Update: Studio Reveals Significant Changes To Bring Saga Up To Date.

It is no secret that George Lucas, creator of legendary sci-fi tour de force 'Star Wars', is currently at work on a 3D updated version of his saga. But what wasn't known was the subtle changes he is making, to bring the saga bang up to date.

We have here a short list of a few of the changes that will appear in newly shot scenes, using new actors with previous stars faces CGI'd on to them.

Insiders at Lucasfilm have revealed that Luke will discover that Darth Vader is his father, through a leaked memo on a futuristic version of the Wikileaks website.

The document will cause quite a stir amongst the Rebel Alliance, who will attempt to shut the web-based gossip site down, by shooting a proton torpedo down an exhaust port in the back of the websites computer tower.

Saturday, 11 December 2010

The True Meaning Of Christmas: A Long Hard Look At The Festive Season

As Christmas fast approaches I wanted to get to the true meaning of Christmas. What is it that makes this such a special day?

We are often told, shamed even, in to sparing a thought for the person behind all this festive fun.

I'm talking about Jesus.

Jesus H. Christ.

For Christ the redeemer, who enjoys long walks on the lake, turning water in to moonshine, and riding a bicyle, has long been forgotten by people the world over.

Lovingly nailed to a cross for being a bit mad and professing himself to be the son of God, the original David Icke invented Christmas to be a time of joy and happiness. A moment for families to come together and praise God, thanking him for being omnipresent and omnipotent.

But things have changed over the years, the goalposts have been moved. God and Jesus are no longer top of the Christmas wish list. And of course, true to form, humans have become selfish and lazy.

This is what I truly feel Christmas means for so many of us.

The true 'spirit of Christmas', if you will. Read on.